Stuff

So....my worst fears regarding Sakura have been realized. She doesn't want to be friends anymore, at least for right now. Oddly, I'm somewhat OK with that. We had a long talk about things and stuff....and it made me feel a lot better. She said that she would miss me very much right before we left....and that helped a lot. She also basically said that she won't ever forget me, which helped. I feel like the past year has NOT been for nothing, and I think that will help me get through it more easily. I will still miss her, I will still miss my rock, my best friend. There is no question whatsoever of that. However, we have a bond.....a bond that virtually cannot be broken. We both know it exists, but neither of us knows what it means. Basically, we agreed on many points - that she's young and needs to grow up some, that I'm a great guy and don't deserve this. From what she was saying, there is even a very strong possibility that she liked me at some point. In fact, that's part of the reason for this. Let me explain.

1) She knew that if things continued as they were, we would end up together and she didn't want that. Why didn't she want that? Basically, her insecurities....being scared, etc. She even said that she was crazy for not wanting me. She thinks that no guy will ever like her for her. I told her that I did. She called herself crazy - here's a guy offering his heart on a silver platter, willing to accept her and love her just the way she is - and she refused. I honestly think part of it is she's scared of commitment - and she partially agrees.

2) She felt like she was using me. It was torturing her. Simple enough there - I'm always sending her stuff and such, and she doesn't really give me anything in return. She wants to reciprocate with stuff, but she can't really give me anything in return.

3) I honestly forgot the third one, but if I remember I'll come back and fill it in.

She basically says that I'm a great guy and I deserve better and everything. We also acknowledge our bond, we acknowledge that we might be right for each other at some point. We even put a timeframe on reconnection - months for occasional emails, and years for complete reconnection.

One of the ways I look at this - is that she wants to make sure I'm what she wants, and so she wants to take a break to make sure of it. She also has some growing up to do, as we both know. So, she's taking time off to do that. It hurts, there's no denying that. But, she said some quite nice things about me - and told me a few things that made me feel better. Stuff like that she's never been closer to a guy than she was to me...and that we really were best friends. We basically guessed - we weren't SURE....that we were each other's rocks even. We even acknowledge the possibility that we might be soulmates. It would make sense with this bond we have. We both know this isn't the end of our friendship....but we both know it basically is for now. We will both miss each other very very much. We both treasure each other to an incredible degree. We both have told each other things that we've never told ANYBODY - even our closest friends (outside of us 2). In fact, she even said that I was the one she came to....and that she would pick me as her best friend out of everybody, even her female friends. And she pointed out a few things that were special between us - that only we shared and nobody else. And I told her completely how I felt about her - the extent of it, how deep it went. She apologized many many times, but it's just not enough to make me feel much better. She knows this. I'm not finished removing her from everywhere and archiving everything....I'm REALLY not in the mood at the moment.

So basically, the only thing I can do is wait. Oh! I remember the third reason (I has forgotten it at first) so I'm going to go back and fill you in now.

3) She wants me to get over her. We talked about the reasons....I asked if it was because she thinks we're not supposed to be together or if she knew she would hurt me and was trying to spare me the pain. She said it was both.

So, we parted with promises (well, mine came earlier....but well). I promised that I would be able to move on - in the sense that I would have a normal life and be ABLE to get a girlfriend besides her in the future (ABLE meaning - well, if I can't ATTRACT a girlfriend but I'm emotionally ok with having another one). Her promise was that she would miss me and that she would think about me.

Even down to the books I have left to read - I don't know when/if I'll be able to read them. They will surely remind me of her and I don't want that right now. It'll only make things harder.

Oh, I just thought of a fourth reason.

4) Emotional attachment. She was emotionally attached to me and she didn't like it. She doesn't easily get emotionally attached to people and all, and she was scared? Insecure? I dunno....but you get the idea I think.

Basically, I found out that she thought a LOT of me - and I told her exactly what I though of her. I told her that I was ready to give her anything....and things like that. It honestly almost seems like we might be together in the future, or at least very close again. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll have years to wait before we know for sure. We found out from last time that while our bond might be.....idle, it won't go away if we just throw time at it. We both know this. We just....click. Like she said, when we met we just kind of clicked.

Ok, that's enough for now - Jcink's waiting on me to finish so he can read this, so :P I might post another blog, or update this one at some point, I don't know.

Oh, one other thing - last time this happened, she didn't intend to ever talk to me again....but within about 3-4 months, we were back together again by a weird twist of fate...so even though she says months and years....nobody will know for sure until it happens. Oh, I also sent her the whole list of stuff I had to ask her about in the future, not that it especially matters....but well. She also said that last time this happened, she kept trying to earmark things in her head to tell me - because we normally talked like every day and stuff....but then she'd forget that we weren't talking and all. Proof she misses me I'd say. I mean, I honestly don't know what life will be like without each other this time around - we've never had someone of the opposite sex (or same sex in some ways) that was THIS close. Any thoughts, comments, support.....are greatly appreciated.

I also felt like what you guys were saying seems to be totally right - just give her time. Just give her time and she'll come around. It seems that that's exactly what it will take. The only thing is, I think we acknowledge that we can't really be friends without me liking her right now, and in the future, after she's grown up a bit - maybe she'll like me as well. So maybe/hopefully you guys are right - all she needs is time.

Like I told her, it's like we've planted the seed of hope for the future in me to make me feel better...and it will grow slightly, but mostly I think I'll be able to keep it in check as long as I keep her off my mind as much as possible.

She knows how much it hurts me too...and like I told her, this is easier now that I know the "verdict". Also, it's hurting her - hurting her to do this to me, and hurting her to be away from me. It helps to know that I'm not the only one, it really does. Also, she talked to her 2 female best friends for help - 1 basically said cut it off if you're feeling like this, and the other one said keep it because of the pain you'll cause him (me). Hmm. Fun. So it looks like I'll be dealing with this in my mind for a bit. Fuck.

Oh, and about her group of friends - she basically admitted that I _WAS_ losing attention...but that if this hadn't happened, I would've gotten the attention back. She said so many nice things about me - it's keeping me from going totally ape because....I dunno, but it surely is.